Another Shoe Drops...

Just when you think life is going to fix itself, someone drops another shoe!  For some reason, God has it in His design to lay the testing on heavy.

We are adjusting to the recent events in the life of Dean, but this most recent thunder storm came out of nowhere and blind-sided us with a vengeance.  A couple of weeks ago, we got a phone call (several, really) from our son, Billy stating that his wife of only a year and a half wants a divorce and has given him a week to get his things out of the house!  Needless to say, we were shocked and our son is devastated.

That week came and went with no change in heart, and Billy moved his things into a storage unit, but he has no place to live!  We invited him to come to the coast for a few days and re-group and we will try to figure out what to do about this whole mess.

This whole thing has escalated so badly that Billy (and his parents) is a basket case.  He wants so badly to reason with his wife and try everything possible to save his marriage.  But you cannot reason with the unreasonable.  She has snapped and she is next to crazy.  She plays him like a roller-coaster!  One minute she is all "OK, we will try and work things out" and the next minute, "I want that divorce and I am going to rent out our house for some added income."  But her thoughts as to what she is going to do are scattered all over the place.

Apparently her finances are in a bad way with all of her crazy spending...and now Billy is not there to help her out.

Let me tell you a little about her history.  She was badly abused as a child and just to appease her parents when she was 18, she agreed to an arranged marriage to an older man who  took her to the middle east to live in his culture.  Two beautiful girls were the product of that marriage.  But her independent need to be a woman of the world got in the way of her marriage and she was brutally raped to try and bring his control over her. Ultimately, she was able to flee the marriage and make her way with her two little girls to America and her parents home again.  And then she met Billy.

As a result of all of this, she became afflicted with PTSD.  She had horrible night terrors, is delusional, and has a terrible opinion of both the men in her life and just men in general.  Billy knew of her history and thought he could help her work through all of this.  And for a time he did help.  But one day she just snapped...over what?  A discussion of her decision to purchase a "tiny house."  Billy expressed his thoughts on how this was not a good idea, and that is where she snapped.  In her mind, Billy was being controlling.

As of today, Billy is the one who is being abused in this relationship.  She cannot resolve her issues alone.  We have told her she needs to see a counselor or Psychiatrist to help her resolve these issues...perhaps get on some medications.  But, she has refuses.  Whe will not face her "demons!

Billy is a basket case an the phone calls are causing a great deal of anxiety in our home as well.  Prayer is ongoing and the whole thing is in the Lord's hands.  Perhaps He will give all of us answers.

This drama is not over, so I will return to update from time to time.  We love our son so much...and we thought we had a lot of love for Alicia and her girls...but I guess love is not enough here.

To be continued...

Something Oceanic Billy Mickelson | Billy Mickelson | TEDxBend

The Tao of Learning...

It has been 25 years since I graduated from Weber State University in Ogden, Utah with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing., and 37 years since acquiring my Associate RN.  Prior to that, I was an LVN for 3 years.  For my Mid-Term paper in my Senior Year in my class  called "Theory Evaluation: Critical Thinking Inventory, Nursing Leadership/Management,  I chose to write the paper and titled it "The Tao of Leadership."
In the ancient world of the Dali Lama, "Tao" means "the way."

"When the mantle of leadership is placed on my shoulders, I will lead...
from my center wtth my feet planted firmly on the ground.
I will lead as Christ led.
For He is my example.
I know who I am.
And I will help others find their own center and sense of worth."

With this introduction, I ventured off to explore just what I believed (and found to be true) the value and properties of leadership.
However, today, I wish to interpret this in another light...that of how leadership has influenced learning.
With the mantle of leadership now far removed from my shoulders, there is in its place a new mantle,...the mantle of learning.  But as I look back, I find that perhaps that was interwoven in the leadership mantle.
Leadership skills were hard to learn, but following in the footsteps of my Savior, I learned more of who I am...who I was becoming.
I had multiple opportunities to help others learn who they were and I watched their self worth shine forth.

"I will lead with simplicity and an awareness of the present.
My footsteps will fall softly ,
And I will keep a good spirit."

I learned that gentleness is the best spirit to have in all situations.  Harsh words and sounds of confusion, only make the spirit withdraw.
I learned that leadership relies on a good, a soft spirit.

"I will lead to fulfill the greatest paradox -
That of velvet and steel.
I will be asvelvet and as water...fluid and soft and yielding.
Consider water as it wears away rock over time with patience and perseverance.
And consider velvet that is always soft and soothing to the spirit.
So, too, the soft leader who over comes resistance, else she too may break."

I learned this principle ever so slowly...like the wearing away of rock by water.
But once learned, a gentle voice or reply or request repeated over and over again can wear away the resistance of a worker or student who only wants to do it their way.  Persistence, gently, as water, wears away resistance.  Many strong relations were formed over the years and respect followed.

"I will lead in my most helpful manner...unbiased and down-to-earth.
My goals for those whom I lead will not be unrealistic,
But challenging enough to encourage growth."

I learned many things in leadership roles.  Whenever I am helpful, both the learner and the teacher learn.
No-one wants to be forced or told that your way is the only way to do a task.
Helping the learner to find their own path and challenging them along the way can be a reward for both.

"I will lead with traditional wisdom.
I will take some lessons from my Ancestors, The Ancient Ones,
who were wise in many ways, and treasure the common and natural beauty of their ways.
I will serve those I lead and give them quiet reflection."

The traditional wisdom of the Ancient Ones and of my own ancestors have given me a view of the world as a sphere to be respected.  And it has given me the perspective to lead those I am called to lead by serving them.  Service is the primary goal of a Nursing Career and I have viewed my "job" as a "service"--not only to those under my care, but also under my tutelage.  It has been my pleasure to serve in this capacity for over 35 years.
For me, this was not a Career choice, but a Service choice.

"I will lead by being myself.
I will respect my subordinates and offer then a clear sense of being.
My leadership will be one of substance;
My subordinates will know where they stand with me."

I learned that knowing who you are and letting others also know, through honest relationships is a self-fulfilling process of growth.  Of all the principles I learned through leadership roles, I believe knowing and believing in myself was the most fulfilling.

"I will lead and be a creative force in the face of conflict.
I will meet each challenge with the realization that in every conflict there are two sides, and both have merit.
My ears will hear both sides and I will not play the 'win-lose'
 game."

This concept was the hardest for me to learn.  I have never been a fan of conflict and whenever it would look like a conversation was heading in that direction, that is when I would quit.  Like stepping off a cliff and trusting that someone would catch you, I found myself stepping into many a conflict in my leadership roles and found I was along to direct it.
The Aspen tree and the mighty Pine exist in the same forest...they have learned to respect each others' space and needs and co-exist in beauty.
Learning the art of listening and directing both sides of a conflict into some sort of win-win situation became the challenge of m life.
In reality, no one needs to lose an argument...just respect their thinking os both sides.

"I will lead with honesty and simplicity.
I will remember the attributes of water.
It cleanses, refreshes, and is found deep beneath the surface.
It follows natural laws and is never found complaining.
I will strive to serve those I lead."

All of the truly honest people I have known in my life share one thing in common--their simplicity of thought.  It would never enter their minds to make them be untrue to themselves, to others or to their standards.
Like water, they are clean, refreshing and their real depth is in their honesty.
When leading others, it was imperative that I be as clear and honest in all of my actions and interactions as I would expect them to be with me.
A complainer is not an honest person--it's that simple.  An honest person would "follow natural laws" and "go with the flow!"  When you buck the system, you fall back into that "win-lose" situation.  Vicious circles get us nowhere.

"I will lead without greed.
I will stand as a lighthouse, unselfishly guiding those who face danger, safe passage past my shores.
I must keep my beacon bright, and be trusted to be there when needed."

In all of my life, I have found this a very important principle.  This is true not only in leadership roles but in every walk of life.  Be a beacon light for others so they will know where safety is and that there is protection from rocky shores.  Just as I follow the light of my Savior, I hope others will see a light in me that they can follow.  My example is paramount to success in any leadership position.

"I will lead my subordinates toward their goals and our path will go beyond technical skills.
I will work with those whom I lead to facilitate their success."

From the beginning of a leadership relationship, I found setting goals of paramount importance  and they must be re-visited often.  Like climbing a mountain, if your goal is to reach the top or summit, there are breaking points along the way to catch your breath, perhaps plan a new path, or re-visit your goal.   If it was too lofty, then perhaps you need to lower your expectation.
I learned throughout my life and through leadership roles that goal setting is both rewarding when accomplished and refreshing as you look beyond the point of completion and never give up...never stop trying.
Helping others to reach their goals is a goal in itself for the leader.

"May I wear the mantle of leadership with pride, honesty, simplicity, gentleness and strength.
May I be a guide to those I lead, ever facilitating the path that leads to their growth."

In all of my learning, this is the best lesson of all. and sums up the entire path I have traveled  It was a prayer for my future all those many years ago, and it is my hope that I have learned these things along the way.
I had many opportunities to lead in my career as a nurse and in my first choice career as a mom.  Of all of my leadership roles in my life, it is that of mother that I found the most challenging; it gives me great joy in the accomplishments of my children; I found honesty is always the "best policy;" I tried to keep our lives uncluttered with "too much" and taught my children to love the simple things like the first flowers of spring, or the smell of the first rain in summer, an amazing sunrise or sunset,  the smell of a rose in summer, and the smiles on their faces when you tell them how much you love them.

There is much to learn in life and I am so grateful for the bounties that I have been given as a result.  I am grateful for the leadership roles I have been given throughout my life, (as promised in my Patriarchal Blessing). It is through these experiences that I have grown to be the woman (and retired nurse) I am today.