Test Anxiety...

Throughout my life, I have dreaded tests.  It seemed to me that no matter how much I studied, memorized, agonized or prayed...when it came time to sit down and take that test my anxiety level would go through the roof and I could not focus or pull the information from my brain.  And so, I didn't do well on tests.

Life is also a test.  In my formative years, I guess I didn't pay too much attention to life's tests and I failed miserably whenever I would make a bad choice or my actions were not what Heavenly Father would be pleased with.  I have faced many trials.  Some would come at me from out of nowhere and stare me in the face and dare me to do the right thing.  Others were somehow easier to get through...perhaps because I had experienced a similar one earlier and learned from the experience, or I had a mindset that this particular test was not going to be yet another downfall.  And my constant companion, anxiety, is always present.

I recently had to go through the Tax Preparer's Course (for the second time) and sit for a State Board Exam.  I am not new to State Board Exams.  In 1977, I sat for my first State Board Exam to become a Licensed Vocational Nurse.  In 1980, I sat for my second State Board Exam to become a Registered Nurse.  In 2006 I sat for my third State Board Exam to become a Licensed Tax Preparer.  I worked for 3 tax seasons, quit when I returned to Nursing, and let my license lapse.  Anxiety was ever present through each and every one of those tests.  But, miracle of miracles, I passed them all.

This go around with the State Board Exam seemed to be more difficult for me.  And my friend, anxiety, came back with renewed energy.  Perhaps I was not prepared for the test, or perhaps I am just getting older and not prepared for the anxiety that I felt.  At any rate, I did not pass the test the first time and had to re-study and re-take the test again.

My life has been the same.  I work very hard to live a righteous life, and then "wham" I come up to a new wall.  A new test is staring me in the face and somehow I need to get through it.  Am I going to be anxious about it?  Is it going to get the best of me?  I'm pretty sure that with all of the experiences of my past and with my growing and strengthening faith, I will get through it.  But what do I do with the anxiety?

We are tested each and every day we live...even though we don't realize it.  My greatest help in times of testing is and always has been through the Lord, Jesus Christ.  I have learned to include prayer as a major part of any test...whether it is a written exam or one of life's tests that must be checked off of the Lord's master list before I can move on.  Prayer helps to calm the anxiety.  And it is when I feel that calm wash over me that I know the Lord is there and He will get me through.

I passed my last State Board Exam, and I can move forward into new experiences in the tax world.  Is my anxiety conquered?  Probably not, but when I feel it creeping into my heart and mind, I am aware of a greater peace that comes when I quiet it with a small prayer and the assurance that I am loved and the Lord will always be there for me.

Am I passing my life's tests?  I can only say, "I hope so!"  I will not know until the end, but meanwhile I will continue on the path and endure to the end of my life, keeping a close watch on that anxiety that creeps in, and relying mightily on the Lord to see me through.  He is the way and the life and it is only through Him that any of us can get through our tests.

His Life Was a Tapestry...

Each of us came into this world in total forgetfulness.  And I believe before we ever began our mortal journey, there was a plan.  And part of that great plan is the assurance that we will not be totally on our own; we were allowed to bring with us two very important basics: (1) our inheritance, and (2) our individuality.  And we were given a Savior, who would be our guide and help in every way to bring us safely back to our Father.

I like to think of our inheritance in this way.  We are all children of an honorable, loving, all-knowing, Supreme Father in Heaven.  In our Tapestry of life, this is our WARP, the very strong, base threads that sustain us throughout our life's experience.  This is our strength, for these threads must be the strong ones to support the the cross threads, the WOOF, to be woven into the Tapestry to create a picture of our life.  Our individuality can be compared to the WOOF.

Even the smallest infants begin life manifesting a great deal of faith--faith that someone will care for them--love them--feed them--keep them warm and give them shelter, else they would surely die.  Faith gives added strength to our WARP.

As we progress through life, experiencing it every inch of the way, the weaver throws the shuttle back and forth across the separated WARP threads, and our individual selves start to take on a glorious shape and design.  As we continue on our journey, we build testimonies of many things.  Our experiences add color and depth to our Tapestry.

This writing is to show the life of an honorable man--Gerald Vernon Henderson--who finished his journey on this date, February 7th in 1981.  The following is his story, woven on the foundation described here and the end result is his Tapestry.  I have taken most of this writing from "Tapestry," which I included in Gerry's history, "Gerald...A Life Story."

FIBERS

Before we begin this process of creating our tapestry, we must choose our fibers very carefully.  This will take a great deal of planning and vision in order for the finished Tapestry to reflect those most important choices.  In our early lives, many of the choices are made for us.  We come here to be nurtured by a loving family who will teach us and help us grow and eventually be able to make our own choices.  Our Tapestry is shaped by our early experiences with family, friends, and community.

Gerry was from a close and hard working family.  He was raised by his widowed mother, Maggie, who did all that she could to provide for her 7 children.  Gerry was next to the youngest.  Life was hard, and so strength was built into his Tapestry.

When we are ready to choose our own fibers, we ask ourselves, are we going to create our Tapestry using the fibers of truth and honesty?  Or will we choose deceit and dishonesty which are much weaker fibers and cheaper and easier to come by?  In the end, these fibers will come apart and our Tapestry will unravel unless we choose wisely.

Will we choose the strong fibers of courage and ambition as opposed to fear and laziness?  Or perhaps we will want to use soft fibers made of love and caring versus the coarse fibers of hate and envy.  Of course, a most interesting result might be a combination of many different fibers and textures.  As a result, the creation will have many interesting qualities.  Whatever the weaver chooses, he will be the one to live with the end result.

COLOR AND PATTERN

Besides choosing the fibers carefully, there are two other choices the weaver must consider.  These are color and pattern.  Our choices of colors really do determine the character and beauty and visual effect of the finished product.  And the pattern we weave tells the observer a great deal about the creator.

          "Believe in yourself and everything is possible."  These are the words that resonated throughout Gerry's life, as many in his youth would taunt him and tell him he would never amount to anything!  He pushed forward and persevered and proved them wrong.  He dedicated himself first to his God and his mother, then to his education, then to his family and finally, to himself.  He was totally unselfish.  And that prophesy spoken by others in his youth never was fulfilled.  He had many accomplishments in his life and never once asked for recognition.  Why, after he obtained his PhD in Clay Mineralogy in 1969 and was given the title of "Doctor," he was embarrassed to have his friends or family address him thus.  That title was reserved for his Colleagues and Students at the University.

As I view the tapestry of Gerry's life, I see a strong, warm, earthy pattern--with much of God's great creations depicted in the earth-tones on a soft brown background.  You may have seen him differently and you can add your own imagination and color combination and interpretation.  I believe Gerry's WARP was his strong foundation built upon his faith in his Father in Heaven and his testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  His WOOF added to that strength by his life's experiences which developed an extremely strong individual character for he made choices that were sound and precise and created an amazing Tapestry.  There is a smattering of blue in the final product.  The blue of his eyes that reflected a vision of eternity in them; and the blue of the skies on a cloudless day.

He chose fibers of courage, ambition, determination and love.  Oh, his choices were not always strong ones.  At one point in his life he carelessly chose some less desirable fibers, but they were soon found to be too weak for his great work and they were quickly discarded or buried in the pattern and replaced with stronger ones.

No one, not one single person, can gaze upon Gerry's Tapestry and not find the man there.  He left his children a legacy to be proud of.  His comings and his going were always with his family foremost on his mind, and he had a testimony that if he did his part, the Lord would do the rest.

Gerry's Tapestry shows strength, yet it is also soft.  He chose his fibers, his colors, and his pattern carefully.  Even though the life of its creator was cut short and much of what was planned in the beginning was never completed, the Tapestry is still a beautiful representation of what and who Gerry was.

I see him every time I go camping and walk in the woods, smelling deep pine needles, and looking up to majestic mountain peaks, marveling at the colors there and the formations.  I see him at the western seashore as I watch that big orange ball that is the sun disappear into the endless ocean.  I see him in his sons pale blue eyes and I see his father's smile there on his face.  I see him in his oldest daughter's strength and determination to be all that she can be and do as her father did--love her family with all of her might and strength.  I see him in his middle child with her love of sports and fair play, and I see the same hurt in her eyes when she has been dealt with unfairly.  I saw that same hurt in Gerry's eyes.  I see him in JerriAnne, who not only shares his name, but also his sensitivity, though he hid that part of himself well.  And last, though she can barely remember her DAD, I see him in his lastborn, who has the ambition, courage, and determination to pass through the trials of her life knowing that she will succeed, even as he did.

TAPESTRY

If you look very closely--there on the top of that highest peak in Gerry's work, you will see his family.  He elevated them to that height and he knew that if he kept them there, they would be protected.  He never did anything without first considering his family.  These are the strengths of the man that I remember and cherish.  This love of family is what keeps me going...with the promise of eternity.  The family at the top of that mountain is looking out over the valley below, and up into the eternal skies of forever, just as I do each and every day that I continue to live.

Gerry lives on through his children, and as they create their own tapestries, I find it interesting to note, that some of the threads that made up their father's Tapestry are repeated in their own.

The Tapestry of Gerry's Life

I don't celebrate today, and I don't mourn, either.  But I do celebrate the life of the man who gave me many of life's lessons that I was sometimes too stubborn to learn while he was still with us.  He gave me those five amazing children who never cease to astound me.  And he gave me twenty-two years of his life on earth filled with love and devotion, even in the face of adversity.

Do I miss him?  Absolutely!  Each and every day, some lesson he taught me resonates in my actions and he gives me strength.  I have felt his hand on my cheek when I was troubled, I have felt his presence in holy places, and I have witnessed his influence on his children's lives...even the youngest, who has a reverence for her dad sealed in the early memories of him in her life.

Today...I remember...and I look upon his Tapestry and marvel at the man God sent me even though it was only for a short moment.

Living Responsibly...

When I consider my life and the many, many detours I have taken on my journey, I have to ask myself if I have been living responsibly?  Have I studied the scriptures diligently to find answers to the many questions that have perplexed me through my life?  Have I followed the counsel of the First Presidency in conducting myself as the Lord would have me act?

My answer to these two questions is a resounding no, not always.  What is our responsibility to our God, to our parents, to our ancestors, to our leaders who pray for us daily?  Am I just an island, all by myself in this great universe?  Do I have to answer only to myself for my actions?  I have a desire to address these two questions, not only for myself, but for the readers who might visit here.

We all were sent here to this earth to fulfill a sacred mission.  It is my belief that each and every one of us came here number one, to obtain a body, and number two to work our way through cloudy examples to live as Heavenly Father would have us live...to learn the things He has revealed through various Prophets throughout the history of our world.  And to one day return to live with Him.  He did not leave us alone here to flounder.  He gave us messages...hints, if you will...that would guide us to the right path that leads back to Him.  It was through Him that our Scriptures were preserved so the whole world could have access to them.

He gave us parents, who were also on the path to return to our Heavenly Father.  They were the first teachers we would have and our responsibility to them would be to listen and learn.  Likewise, many generations came before us.  If we learn about them and their struggles, we should also have the responsibility to follow them.

Three significant things happened along the path that led us here.  The first, was in the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve (our first parents), using the agency given them from The Father, chose to disobey Father and partake of the "Forbidden Fruit."  The world calls this "The Fall of Adam" and places that sin on the heads of each and every one of us.  But, The Church of Jesus Christ does not see it that way.  In order for our Father in Heaven to complete His plan for us on this earth, we had to have a way to get here.  Had Adam and Eve not partaken of the forbidden fruit, we could not have come.

The second event of significance, in my mind (and in the minds of many of us) was the coming of our Savior in the meridian of time to rescue us from the consequences of "The Fall."  Because Adam and Eve disobeyed Father, they were cast out of the garden and would not dwell in His presence (the first death-spiritual death) and being mortal now, they must experience a physical death.  Jesus Christ rescued each of us from these consequences.  He died--he paid the ultimate price and willingly made the sacrifice--so that we might live...eternally.

The third thing that had to happen for us in these last days, was for the former Church of Jesus Christ (established by Him during His earthly ministry) to be restored to the earth.  It had been lost with the deaths of the Apostles (the heads of the Church in their time).  Joseph Smith was the prophesied Prophet who would bring about this restoration, and thus on April 6, 1830, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was officially organized.

I shall be eternally grateful for the blessings that have been delivered to me in my life for the responsible acts of many who have come before me.  From a very early age, I have known that "a large part" of the genealogy for my family would be done by me.  I am sorry to say that I have shirked that responsibility through the years.  But the Spirit of Elijah has prompted me to search my ancestors diligently...find their stories...and make sure that it is published into a book that can be passed down to many generations.  Three of my ancestors have already done a great deal of the work for me, but I find their works bulky and probably wouldn't be read by many of my great-grandchildren.  Like Nephi of old, I am a simple woman, with simple words and it is my desire to get these words down for generations to come.  If we don't write our own histories, who will?

Elder Allan F. Packer of the Seventy said this, "Each of us has some stories in our lives that are worth recording and worth remembering that are inspirational and can be motivational and helpful for future generations."  That is my challenge to myself...to be more responsible in these actions.

The theme of the past year's Women's General Conference was, "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." (Alma 36:6-7)  What a wonderful statement that is.  I just pray that my small, responsible contribution to the effort of bringing my own family history alive, will have everlasting and great consequences for all who follow me.

Budweiser Super Bowl XLVIII Commercial -- "Puppy Love"

Branson, Missouri Continued...

One of the best attractions on our discovery journey through Branson was the Titanic Museum.  The building is a replica of the huge ship (cut in half).  Inside are many of the stories of some of the passengers and the crew.  It is a very solemn historical account of the tragedy that happened in the North Atlantic when "unsinkable" meets gigantic iceberg!

One story I particularly liked to browse, was the story of "Molly Brown."  I remember the movie, "Unsinkable Molly Brown" and now know that parts of it were actually true, while many parts of it were embellishments for a good story.  The movie "Titanic" also gives a glimpse into the tragedy and tells another embellished story.

It doesn't matter how much of the stories are truth or how many are fiction...the tragedy did happen, and many lives were lost in the cold, cold north Atlantic that night.

Probably the best show in Branson is "Shoji!"  He is a Japanese/American who has a story to tell about how and why he came to America.  And how much he loves this country.  But the amazing violin renditions of some of our favorite pieces were phenomenal.  His daughter joins the show early.  She has a fantastic voice.  We were truly entertained that evening.

Like all of the other shows in Branson, Shoji ends his with an amazing patriotic review.  We had a lovely time that evening.

I'm going to diverge just a little bit, and talk about the taxi rides we had throughout the town.  For the most part the drivers were courteous and fair.  But we managed to get one driver who must have had a really bad chip on his shoulder.  He was rude, he over-charged, and he argued with Dean over the fare.  Or was it Dean arguing with him over the high charges?  Doesn't matter...it was an insult.  We hoped that was the last ride with that driver--ever!  Well, it wasn't.  On our last night in Branson, we had walked and walked and walked...literally for miles...to the theater for a great show.  After it was over, we called a cab.  Well, guess who?  Billy was very polite to the cab driver and told him Dean would be right there.  I don't know what took Dean so long, but the cab driver told Billy he wasn't going to wait because "your dad is a rude man and doesn't know how to add.  He needs to go back to school."  And he drove away, leaving us stranded.  Needless to say, we reported him to the cab company.  There is no excuse for anyone to be that rude.  Fortunately for us, there was a very nice couple at the theater who offered to drive us to our timeshare.  It was out of the way for them, but they didn't mind.  After all was said and done, we were so glad we didn't have to ride in any more cabs...until our trip to the airport!

I think one of our favorite shows was the Russian Ballet portrayal of the story of Marco Polo.  The whole company danced on stage with an amazing digital screen behind them that portrayed the amazing scenes that Marco Polo traveled through.  We were mesmerized with the beauty of this ballet.

Afterward, we got to meet the Company in the lobby.  None of them spoke English, but bowed their heads in greeting and smiled.  The dancer that portrayed Marco Polo was from the very north country of  Russia.  He did speak a little English and we loved to talk to him about the brilliant production and the beautiful talents displayed on stage.

One of the most fun attractions in Branson is the adventure of getting to "Ride the Ducks!"  We had heard so much about it, that we had to experience it for ourselves.  This company has transformed old WWII Amphibious vehicles into carriers for people.  The adventure starts out like a bus ride through town, except they pass out these "duck whistles" that we blow every time we pass another Ride the Ducks vehicle.  It was great fun, and the kids especially liked their duck whistles.

Our trip took us to the lake, behind the Branson Belle, where we entered the water and became a water vessel.  What a great adventure!  We "drove" all around the lake, and then up another ramp to be on land again.  Our next trip was up a hillside, where we could view a graveyard of old WWII vehicles and a few funny houses at the top.

One of the great things about the whole experience, was learning that each and every vehicle is piloted and narrated by Vets, from various theaters throughout the world.  They had many interesting stories to tell and our particular driver had a great sense of humor...making us feel at ease and entertaining us, as well.

On our last day in Branson (the day we did a lot of walking), we played a little game of Miniature Golf, ate lunch at an Italian Restaurant (that tried to poison Billy and I...thought for another story), and saw an amazing last show...the Chinese Acrobats.  They were so amazing.  Like the Ballet Company from Russia, these troopers didn't speak any English.  We were thoroughly entertained.

The above pictures were taken on our last dull day in Branson, as we walked through the "Strip!"  A lot of fun memories there.

Our check-out day at the Timeshare.  We finally got to see some color.  Top:  Billy and Dean with the amazing Tenor who entertained us on the first day.  Middle:  The trees are finally beginning to look like fall.  Bottom:  A view from the drive to the airport of the beautiful river and countryside near Branson.

Safely tucked inside the quaint, mid-western airport, Billy, Dean and I shared a last few moments together, as we prepared to fly out on two different flights to Portland.  Pretty stupid, but it is just how it worked out.  We had a wonderful time here and made some lasting memories.  That is what I like about traveling the most...the making of memories.  These are the sights and sounds and feelings that will last a lifetime.  We live in a beautiful world and are so blessed to still have a great country to be able to live in freedom.

Thank you, Branson, for reminding us of all of these things.  God bless you, until we return one day.

Recalling Our Fall Vacation to Branson, Missouri...

Welcome to Branson, Missouri

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to go to Branson.  Many friends and family who have been there, praised the town as a wholesome, family place to visit.  And so, Dean and I made plans to go in the fall. (2013)

We booked a flight that lands in the relatively new Branson Airport, rather than in Kansas or St. Louis, Missouri.  That airport wasn't available to visitors in years past.  We decided before we left home that we would not rent a car; rather we would rely on public transportation and Taxi's to get us to where we needed to go.  We found there were pluses and minuses in this decision.  On the plus side, we didn't have to battle the traffic and try to find parking at the venues we had booked for shows and walking is healthy.  On the negative side...there is no public transportation, the town is so huge and spread out (and full of hills),  and Taxi's can get pretty expensive.  We shall weigh in on those things the next time we visit.  (And we will go back one day!)

For the first 3 days, we were joined with Dean's good friends, David Haas and his wife, Karen, from Kansas.  We have all been friends for over 30 years.  David is a Pharmacist and went to school with Dean in Oklahoma.  His wife is a retired Nurse--like me, and she is also older than David--like me.

We began "experiencing" Branson by enjoying a night out for dinner, followed by a show at the Presley Theater.  No, no relation to "The King!"  The Presley's were the first family to come to Branson and open up a theater.  Their show was very entertaining, and full of humor.  And, the one thing I would come to love about all of the shows in Branson, was their wholesome entertainment, deeply religious spirit, and red, white and blue patriotism.  Every show included some good old Country Hymns and salutes to both our country and our troops.

Our first full day in Branson, included a ride on the railroad.  We were only slightly disappointed in the trees!  We were just a bit early for a full fall color blast!  But, what we saw was beautiful country as we traveled through the Ozark's.

After the train ride, we enjoyed a walk through "Old" Branson and stopped at a Deli for some really good sandwiches.

Another day, another highlight!  There is an amazingly beautiful Lake on the west side of Branson.  It was created by a dam and is several miles long and maybe a mile wide.  Our treat for the day was to ride on the Branson Belle, a steamboat that not only entertains, but feeds us like royalty as it chugs its way around the lake.  Amazing!

How do I describe a once in a lifetime experience.  I felt like we were on the Mississippi in the good old days, traveling from New Orleans to St. Louis.  Our movement was so slow and steady, that it felt like we were sitting still on the lake.  If I hadn't walked out on the deck and witnessed the paddle wheels turning and watched the movement around the lake, I wouldn't have believed we were actually moving.

The entertainment was top notch.  A regular Vegas Style stage show, without all the skimpy costumes and bad language.  We were treated to the gifts of an amazing pianist, a wild fiddler, and a lot of fun and singing.  We loved the experience.

Karen and David had to get back to their home, and so we said good-bye to their company.  But, we weren't left alone for very long, because Billy flew in to Branson from Portland to spend the rest of our time together in our timeshare unit..

Our first celebration with Billy was Dean's "60th" Birthday!  Will you look at that cake?  Awesome...and we  have to eat it all gone in 4 days!  Good luck!  We had a wonderful day together.  We played shuffle-board (I really suck at that game) and walked around the resort.  Dean braved the pool and spa.  We were entertained in the evening by an amazing tenor who sang with The Twelve Tenors and is now doing solo work.  What a lovely entertainment -- and right there in our World Mark Timeshare Complex.

I think I have exhausted the use of pictures for this one Blog.  I shall continue later with the "rest of the story!"  A good old Missouri "Bye, for now!"

In With The New...

I have been given a new page in a New Year to write my story.  Today "is the first blank page of a 365 page book.  Write a good one."  Will I accomplish that?  Will I write what is in my heart and the experiences that are going to fill my year?  Will I write a best seller?  Will it matter?

The past year was full of memories, and I tried to record most of them.  This year will also be full of making memories and I will record them.  I wish to list here some of the things I desire and pray for for myself, my family, our country.

     1.  I will endeavor to be a better person...to be kind to my husband and family and those with whom I come in contact.
     2.  I will endeavor to dig deep into my roots and try diligently to find the stories of my ancestors.  When I think that 100 years from now, no one will remember who I am, it frightens me.  I want my descendants to remember me and I want to know my ancestors.
     3.  I will try very hard to take better care of me and my health.  I am no spring chicken and health has become a huge focus for me.  I will eat healthy foods, stay away from sugar and chocolate, never let fatty foods enter my body and I will work hard on my exercise plan.
     4.  I will be a better citizen of my community, my state and my country.  If there is anything I can do to bring about the cause of peace to our land and the world, I will do my best to help.
     5.  I will not waste time on frivolous things...rather, I will spend more time writing about my life, about the things are important to me, and about my ancestors.

Today marks my 75th New Year, and that means I have been on this earth for three quarters of a century.  That is remarkable.  And I feel very blessed to be able to continue my journey.  I have had a very interesting life.  It has had its hills and valleys.  It has brought me sadness, grief and sorrow...but it has also brought me joy.  And "Man is, that he might have joy!"

My Heavenly Father has truly blessed this daughter of God and given me such amazing experiences that have molded me and brought me to where I am on my path through life.  One other thing I have to add to my list, is more study of the scriptures.  It is through the pages of those books that I find answers to perplexing problems.  The Bible and its companion, The Book of Mormon are my lifelines to an eternal perspective and (I believe) were prepared for us so that we will know of God's love and His plan for all of His children.

With that, I will simply say, HAPPY NEW YEAR, and may we enjoy every single day of the journey!  Stretch yourself!  Step out of your comfort zones!  Be grateful for who and where you are!