The Four Stages of Marriage...From My Viewpoint...

Not many women have been as fortunate as I to have loved two men and been able to carry that love locked securely in her heart.  I married Gerald Vernon Henderson on June 7, 1958 in the Los Angeles Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  We shared an amazing (though sometimes extremely bumpy) marriage for 22 years.  And then Heavenly Father called him home in order to let me find my way alone for a season.

 

Marriage number two (and three) took place first on April 25, 1982 in Taos, New Mexico and second, on August 8, 1999 in Eugene, Oregon.  Let me explain.  I married Dean William Mickelson when I was still struggling with my loss, and I fear that was a bad combination for a lasting relationship.  Therefore, we divorced in 1988.  By the time we were ready for the second go-around, we both had experienced a great deal of refining in our lives, and were ready to "try again." 

 

Having experienced marriage with two completely different men, I have learned a great deal about the institution that I would like to share here.  Be patient with me, however, because even at my advanced age, I am still learning.

 



 

As I see it, and this is totally based on my experiences in my own marriages, I have isolated four phases or stages of growth in a marriage.

 

 

 

STAGE ONE

 



In this first stage, accompanied by butterflies, increased heart rate, and "love blindness", two people see each other as their perfect soul-mate.  This is the necessary stage of falling in love.

That brings me to the question, "What is love?"  Antoine de Saint-Empery sees it this way.  "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."  Keep this definition in mind as we explore the other stages.  This definition talks to me, because it describes the properties of oneness.  And this is not something that happens instantly, as in "love at first sight".  Yes, the butterflies are there, and the "eyes for no other" are there, but it is when two people can "look outward together in the same direction" that seals their love.

These feelings are absolutely necessary for a permanent relationship to begin.  In this phase, each sees only the very best that the other has to offer, and you experience the beginnings of love.  This is the courtship, engagement, and marriage phase of the partnership you have chosen for the rest of your life.  And in many cases, it is probably a good thing that "love is blind", or else no one would ever get married!

If you are lucky or extremely gifted in relationships, you can keep this phase going for endless years.  Keep the courtship alive.  Unfortunately, most couples do not stay here.  Sooner or later, you move on into Stage Two--the stage of discovery.  This is a critical stage.

STAGE TWO

It's in this stage that you discover that that perfect person you have committed your life and love to has (do I dare say it?) flaws.  It is in this phase where relationships either grow stronger because they are willing to work through it, or it is the stage where many will say, "I've had enough.  You are not the person I married!"  And they will walk away from the growth through challenges in our relationships that imperfection will bring on.

St. Frances de Soles said this about attaining love and keeping it.  "You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working, and just so you learn to love...by loving.  Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art."

I have lived through these phases of discovery, and there were times when I forgot that all encompassing word, "love".  When you focus on the faults or flaws of the other, you forget that you also have flaws.  This period nearly destroyed my first marriage, and it did destroy my second the first time.  Selfishness in this phase is the great destroyer.

Getting through this phase takes hard work, but when you keep God as one of your partners, and never let go of the love you have for your spouse, the two of you can work through this stage and the growth at the end makes it all so worth it.

At some point near the end of this phase, you once again reach that oneness I talked about in Stage One.  And you will comfortably flow into Stage Three, the stage where you discover you can't see where one person ends and the other begins.

STAGE THREE

"Of all the music that reached farthest into Heaven, it is the beating of a loving heart."  (Henry Ward Beecher)  I would add to this, "...it is the beating of two loving hearts as one." 

I haven't reached this phase yet...not in my first marriage, nor in my current.  I really hope I live long enough to do so.  But, I have known many elder couples who have reached this stage, and they are my role models.  One example of two people in my life who reached this stage, are my in-laws.

My greatest joy was to watch the interactions between my mother-in-law, Betty, and my father-in-law, Bill.  Bill was Betty's protector, her help-meet, her defender; Betty, up until her health failed her and she could no longer do the household chores, took the best and loving care of Bill.  She was a master chef, a great homemaker, a supporter for everything Bill did in his life.  In the last years of failing health for Betty, Bill was her care-taker and took over all of the household tasks she was no longer able to do.  These two were truly "one flesh".

STAGE FOUR

This is the last stage of a marriage.  It is either the letting go period, or the saying good-bye at the end of one's life.

I never got to say good-bye to Gerry, because he was called home so abruptly and we were just beginning to experience the beginning phases of Stage Three.  Again, the example of my in-laws comes to mind as an example of this final phase, because the loss of Dean's mother recently was one of the most beautiful displays of a life-long love between two people I have ever witnessed.

Saying good-bye is never easy, whether it is due to a sudden death or going through the final stages of a lingering illness.  Faith plays a huge role in this final phase.  Knowing what follows this life, after death, brings a comfort for the loved one who is leaving and also a comfort for the loved one left behind.  Life does not end at death.  And love does not end at death.

I don't know why I chose to write on this topic, except that I have been so touched by the experiences of my recent contact with family and friends and my observations in regard to their particular stages.  I think I would like to say to those stuck in Stage Two, don't give up!  Grab onto that love that brought you together, even if it's only a small shard.  Use it to get you through, because the rewards of Stage Three and eventually, Stage Four will be worth the journey.