Healing And Forgiveness...

My husband and I recently visited the Healing Garden at Samaritan General Hospital in Corvallis where he was having his shoulder repaired.  It is a beautiful garden, designed to bring peace, calm and healing.  In the center of the garden is a fountain/pool that is shaped like an open eye (my interpretation).  Lining the bottom of the pool are hundreds, maybe thousands, of pebbles/stones that are constantly being washed by the water flowing into the pool, over the stones, and out again.

I closed my eyes and imagines that each one of those stones represented someones pain, hurting, anxiety or dis-ease (a term that one of my professors in Nursing School gave us).  The water continually washing over the stones represented the love of our Savior and His cleansing, healing love that gives us peace.

Like a single pebble among all the pebbles in the pool, I am "one," I am "unique," and I am troubled.  My eyes have difficulty focusing on only one, but sometimes a new experience opens up an old wound and my mind gets stuck in a monotonous groove of playing the same track on a scratched record over and over and over again in my head...focusing on only that one thing... hurt.   And I ask myself, where is forgiveness?

Let's focus on the hurt, whether it be hurt feelings, an open wound, a surgery or a feeling you have for someone you love.  Sometimes, like the pebbles on the beach or in the pool, the individual hurts in our lives pile up and it is impossible to sift out the one that has to be dealt with most.  This is true especially if one has not dealt sufficiently with forgiveness.  It is hard to focus on just that one!  And when that same hurt repeats itself again over the years, the wound fills up with even more pebbles.

I tell myself, as the Gospel teaches us, that it is more important for me to forgive those who have caused me pain and move on.  But when that pain is repeated again and wounds my child, then my heart breaks open and I feel their pain and forgiveness is once again hard to find.

So, I close my eyes and listen and feel as the cleansing water of our Savior's love washes over me and I know I (we) must forgive in order for the hurt to heal once again.  If you look carefully near the center of the picture above, you will see, like I did, a red stone shaped like a heart.  Our Savior's love has given that one stone a new chance to shine and share the healing love with others.  That one stone has experienced the healing process of forgiveness.

I pray that everyone who is suffering right now will look inside your heart, identify the pain you are feeling, then let the healing waters of love and forgiveness wash over you and put you at peace.

There is one who has suffered far more than you or I ever will.  He was beaten, spat upon, flogged with stripes and nailed to a cross.  He took upon himself all of the sins, pains, sorrows and suffering of the world and gave up His life for me...for you...for all of mankind...and yet He could say, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."  "Such love hath no man... than he give up his life for a friend."

Smelling Tulips, Loving Sunshine, Opening Old Wounds...

I married an amazing man!  He does so much for me and even though I am not his mother...he gave me Tulips!  My daughter, Heather sent me Tulips! (And Sherry's Berries!)  They both know how much I love them.  They don't always last as long as I would like, but "during their lifetime, I can love them and cherish the sentiment."

It has been a Mother's Day with mixed blessings, hurts, and memories.

BLESSINGS:  Besides Heather's thoughtful gift and my husband's flowers, I was blessed with an adorable homemade card from JerriAnne, some yummy lip balm and a beautiful card from Kim, loving sentiments on Facebook from Mark, Debi and all!  And I got a call from my son, Billy.  (I'm sure as the day goes on, others will call.)  It is reminders such as these that bless my life and make me cherish the day I first became a mother and all the other days as well.  I love Motherhood...and today I am reminded in spiritual ways that it is truly a Partnership with God!

SUNSHINE:  After nearly a week of rain, we were blessed with sunshine today.  Sunshine always makes me my happiest.  On the Coast of Oregon, we spend a great deal of our lives in shadow...rain and gloom...but when the sun comes out, it is a day for celebration.

OLD WOUNDS:  Unfortunately, into each life there comes something or someone who will try their best to destroy all that light that lives inside of you!  I had a couple of incidents that tried to do just that this very day.

First thing this morning, I got a voicemail from a dear friend who I befriended in High School.  We have kept in touch for all of these many years.  We have shared each others heartaches, blessings, happiness and sorrows.  This morning's news was one of those heartaches for her.  A little over a year ago, she entered into a marriage that I tried to warn her would not bring her a lot of happiness...in fact, it was destined for a multiplication of trials!  This morning she informed me that she had been deserted, left without her car, her money, and most of all her dignity!  How do I help this friend?  This is the question that plagues my mind and my heart.

Next, I got a call from my son who is at the peak of his career, was invited to be a performer on TedxBend (a real privilege in the "communication," "art," "music" world).  In the audience, by chance, there was one of his old High School Teachers (and I use the word "Teacher" loosely).  She gave my son a really terrible, unfair time in her class, and she had the gall (15 years later) to lean over to the man sitting next to her and tell him she knew my son in High School and he was a "troubled" boy and a "cheater."  After the show, the man came up to Billy to purchase one of his CD's and told him what the "teacher" had told him.  That old would was opened wide and my son had to go through that hurt all over again.  My son was never a troubled boy and he was not a cheater.  He is as honest as can be!  It hurts me, too, because it is a reflection on his father and I.

At this writing, I am trying not to let the bad things get in the way of the good.  Ugly things happen, and we shall deal with them on another day..,.but for today, I want to focus on the teachings of the greatest Teacher that ever lived, Jesus Christ.  His teachings are what light up my countenance.  His Gospel is what gives me purpose!  His example is what drives me to be a better person each and every day.  In the end, I am striving to be more Christlike and I know He leads the way.

Growing Old; Growing Tired; Growing...

I cannot remember a time filled with more stress and strife than the past two months has thrown our way.  Nothing can compare with it.  Our stressful move is behind us, but the space we now live in is not sufficient for all of our belongings.  Much of what we own or have owned has either been given away, sold, donated or taken to the dump.

It makes one wonder why we hold on to so many things in the first place.  We think we need them, if mot now, then in some future (non-existent) time, but in the end, did we really?  The one major possession we parted with was our beautiful baby grand piano.  It was a heartache to watch them pack it up and wheel it out the door and onto the truck that would take it to its new home.  That piano was a birthday gift to me 14 years ago when we lived in Crooked River Ranch.  I loved that piano.  But, truth be known, my husband loved it more and it was truly his piano.  I saw the pain in his eyes as he sat down on the bench to play it for the very last time.

The second item I had to "let go" of was the dining-room table and chairs that I bought seven years ago when we lived on Jetty Avenue in Lincoln City.  I loved that table.  We donated it to the Deseret Industries when their pod was parked in our Church parking lot.  Quite convenient, I would say.

The third item was my beloved corner hutch that Dean bought me when we lived in Brooking.  I had it for 10 or 11 years.   Our sweet next-door neighbor bought it and it has a lovely place in her home.  She beamed when she showed me all of her treasures that she had displayed inside.

Last, was my Queen-size bed that I bought in St. George when I was single.  You can't sell or give away beds in this area, so we loaded it up on a truck and a friend drove it to the dump.  Part of me disappeared during this move, and now I am left with memories.

My office is filled with notebooks that I have filled with my attempts at writing; a box in storage is filled with my journals that have covered a span of 55 plus years of my life.  I started keeping a journal when I was in my 20's in Salt Lake City.  I keep telling myself that I will take upon myself the monumental task of abridging them one day, just as Mormon did when he abridged the records of the Nephite's which spanned a period of over 1000 years.  I thin my task is not quite as daunting.

I dislike the idea of leaving that task to my children, but, alas, I am growing old and I am growing tired.  If the Lord is testing me in the hope that I still have some "growing" to do, I hope I am able to complete it and that the test will be a short one.

Forgive my rambling, I just have much on my mind and I can't seem to come up with a plan to get over this mountain of "stuff".  I just can't bring myself to get rid of it.  It's funny...the decision to get rid of the big stuff was far easier...the little stuff is by far the hardest.  Perhaps one day, I will box up all the lovely gifts each of my children have given me over the years and save them for the time when they might want them back...to remember me by.

It's interesting how we save parts of past generations.  I have my great-great grandfather's life history, but nothing more; I had some of my grandmother's things, but have distributed them to some of the kids; and I have some of my mother's things that I doubt any of the kids will be interested in.  Most of what I have accumulated has no real value to anyone but me.  Life in this 21st Century has changed a lot of our values,.

I guess the bottom line is that I treasure my family and my faith in my Savior far above material possessions and those values have been passed on.

Thank you for persevering and reading this mixed up writing.  I will be glad when the things that clutter the floor in my office will find a home and I can get down to some serious writing.

                                                   Welcome home!