Test Anxiety...

Throughout my life, I have dreaded tests.  It seemed to me that no matter how much I studied, memorized, agonized or prayed...when it came time to sit down and take that test my anxiety level would go through the roof and I could not focus or pull the information from my brain.  And so, I didn't do well on tests.

Life is also a test.  In my formative years, I guess I didn't pay too much attention to life's tests and I failed miserably whenever I would make a bad choice or my actions were not what Heavenly Father would be pleased with.  I have faced many trials.  Some would come at me from out of nowhere and stare me in the face and dare me to do the right thing.  Others were somehow easier to get through...perhaps because I had experienced a similar one earlier and learned from the experience, or I had a mindset that this particular test was not going to be yet another downfall.  And my constant companion, anxiety, is always present.

I recently had to go through the Tax Preparer's Course (for the second time) and sit for a State Board Exam.  I am not new to State Board Exams.  In 1977, I sat for my first State Board Exam to become a Licensed Vocational Nurse.  In 1980, I sat for my second State Board Exam to become a Registered Nurse.  In 2006 I sat for my third State Board Exam to become a Licensed Tax Preparer.  I worked for 3 tax seasons, quit when I returned to Nursing, and let my license lapse.  Anxiety was ever present through each and every one of those tests.  But, miracle of miracles, I passed them all.

This go around with the State Board Exam seemed to be more difficult for me.  And my friend, anxiety, came back with renewed energy.  Perhaps I was not prepared for the test, or perhaps I am just getting older and not prepared for the anxiety that I felt.  At any rate, I did not pass the test the first time and had to re-study and re-take the test again.

My life has been the same.  I work very hard to live a righteous life, and then "wham" I come up to a new wall.  A new test is staring me in the face and somehow I need to get through it.  Am I going to be anxious about it?  Is it going to get the best of me?  I'm pretty sure that with all of the experiences of my past and with my growing and strengthening faith, I will get through it.  But what do I do with the anxiety?

We are tested each and every day we live...even though we don't realize it.  My greatest help in times of testing is and always has been through the Lord, Jesus Christ.  I have learned to include prayer as a major part of any test...whether it is a written exam or one of life's tests that must be checked off of the Lord's master list before I can move on.  Prayer helps to calm the anxiety.  And it is when I feel that calm wash over me that I know the Lord is there and He will get me through.

I passed my last State Board Exam, and I can move forward into new experiences in the tax world.  Is my anxiety conquered?  Probably not, but when I feel it creeping into my heart and mind, I am aware of a greater peace that comes when I quiet it with a small prayer and the assurance that I am loved and the Lord will always be there for me.

Am I passing my life's tests?  I can only say, "I hope so!"  I will not know until the end, but meanwhile I will continue on the path and endure to the end of my life, keeping a close watch on that anxiety that creeps in, and relying mightily on the Lord to see me through.  He is the way and the life and it is only through Him that any of us can get through our tests.

His Life Was a Tapestry...

Each of us came into this world in total forgetfulness.  And I believe before we ever began our mortal journey, there was a plan.  And part of that great plan is the assurance that we will not be totally on our own; we were allowed to bring with us two very important basics: (1) our inheritance, and (2) our individuality.  And we were given a Savior, who would be our guide and help in every way to bring us safely back to our Father.

I like to think of our inheritance in this way.  We are all children of an honorable, loving, all-knowing, Supreme Father in Heaven.  In our Tapestry of life, this is our WARP, the very strong, base threads that sustain us throughout our life's experience.  This is our strength, for these threads must be the strong ones to support the the cross threads, the WOOF, to be woven into the Tapestry to create a picture of our life.  Our individuality can be compared to the WOOF.

Even the smallest infants begin life manifesting a great deal of faith--faith that someone will care for them--love them--feed them--keep them warm and give them shelter, else they would surely die.  Faith gives added strength to our WARP.

As we progress through life, experiencing it every inch of the way, the weaver throws the shuttle back and forth across the separated WARP threads, and our individual selves start to take on a glorious shape and design.  As we continue on our journey, we build testimonies of many things.  Our experiences add color and depth to our Tapestry.

This writing is to show the life of an honorable man--Gerald Vernon Henderson--who finished his journey on this date, February 7th in 1981.  The following is his story, woven on the foundation described here and the end result is his Tapestry.  I have taken most of this writing from "Tapestry," which I included in Gerry's history, "Gerald...A Life Story."

FIBERS

Before we begin this process of creating our tapestry, we must choose our fibers very carefully.  This will take a great deal of planning and vision in order for the finished Tapestry to reflect those most important choices.  In our early lives, many of the choices are made for us.  We come here to be nurtured by a loving family who will teach us and help us grow and eventually be able to make our own choices.  Our Tapestry is shaped by our early experiences with family, friends, and community.

Gerry was from a close and hard working family.  He was raised by his widowed mother, Maggie, who did all that she could to provide for her 7 children.  Gerry was next to the youngest.  Life was hard, and so strength was built into his Tapestry.

When we are ready to choose our own fibers, we ask ourselves, are we going to create our Tapestry using the fibers of truth and honesty?  Or will we choose deceit and dishonesty which are much weaker fibers and cheaper and easier to come by?  In the end, these fibers will come apart and our Tapestry will unravel unless we choose wisely.

Will we choose the strong fibers of courage and ambition as opposed to fear and laziness?  Or perhaps we will want to use soft fibers made of love and caring versus the coarse fibers of hate and envy.  Of course, a most interesting result might be a combination of many different fibers and textures.  As a result, the creation will have many interesting qualities.  Whatever the weaver chooses, he will be the one to live with the end result.

COLOR AND PATTERN

Besides choosing the fibers carefully, there are two other choices the weaver must consider.  These are color and pattern.  Our choices of colors really do determine the character and beauty and visual effect of the finished product.  And the pattern we weave tells the observer a great deal about the creator.

          "Believe in yourself and everything is possible."  These are the words that resonated throughout Gerry's life, as many in his youth would taunt him and tell him he would never amount to anything!  He pushed forward and persevered and proved them wrong.  He dedicated himself first to his God and his mother, then to his education, then to his family and finally, to himself.  He was totally unselfish.  And that prophesy spoken by others in his youth never was fulfilled.  He had many accomplishments in his life and never once asked for recognition.  Why, after he obtained his PhD in Clay Mineralogy in 1969 and was given the title of "Doctor," he was embarrassed to have his friends or family address him thus.  That title was reserved for his Colleagues and Students at the University.

As I view the tapestry of Gerry's life, I see a strong, warm, earthy pattern--with much of God's great creations depicted in the earth-tones on a soft brown background.  You may have seen him differently and you can add your own imagination and color combination and interpretation.  I believe Gerry's WARP was his strong foundation built upon his faith in his Father in Heaven and his testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  His WOOF added to that strength by his life's experiences which developed an extremely strong individual character for he made choices that were sound and precise and created an amazing Tapestry.  There is a smattering of blue in the final product.  The blue of his eyes that reflected a vision of eternity in them; and the blue of the skies on a cloudless day.

He chose fibers of courage, ambition, determination and love.  Oh, his choices were not always strong ones.  At one point in his life he carelessly chose some less desirable fibers, but they were soon found to be too weak for his great work and they were quickly discarded or buried in the pattern and replaced with stronger ones.

No one, not one single person, can gaze upon Gerry's Tapestry and not find the man there.  He left his children a legacy to be proud of.  His comings and his going were always with his family foremost on his mind, and he had a testimony that if he did his part, the Lord would do the rest.

Gerry's Tapestry shows strength, yet it is also soft.  He chose his fibers, his colors, and his pattern carefully.  Even though the life of its creator was cut short and much of what was planned in the beginning was never completed, the Tapestry is still a beautiful representation of what and who Gerry was.

I see him every time I go camping and walk in the woods, smelling deep pine needles, and looking up to majestic mountain peaks, marveling at the colors there and the formations.  I see him at the western seashore as I watch that big orange ball that is the sun disappear into the endless ocean.  I see him in his sons pale blue eyes and I see his father's smile there on his face.  I see him in his oldest daughter's strength and determination to be all that she can be and do as her father did--love her family with all of her might and strength.  I see him in his middle child with her love of sports and fair play, and I see the same hurt in her eyes when she has been dealt with unfairly.  I saw that same hurt in Gerry's eyes.  I see him in JerriAnne, who not only shares his name, but also his sensitivity, though he hid that part of himself well.  And last, though she can barely remember her DAD, I see him in his lastborn, who has the ambition, courage, and determination to pass through the trials of her life knowing that she will succeed, even as he did.

TAPESTRY

If you look very closely--there on the top of that highest peak in Gerry's work, you will see his family.  He elevated them to that height and he knew that if he kept them there, they would be protected.  He never did anything without first considering his family.  These are the strengths of the man that I remember and cherish.  This love of family is what keeps me going...with the promise of eternity.  The family at the top of that mountain is looking out over the valley below, and up into the eternal skies of forever, just as I do each and every day that I continue to live.

Gerry lives on through his children, and as they create their own tapestries, I find it interesting to note, that some of the threads that made up their father's Tapestry are repeated in their own.

The Tapestry of Gerry's Life

I don't celebrate today, and I don't mourn, either.  But I do celebrate the life of the man who gave me many of life's lessons that I was sometimes too stubborn to learn while he was still with us.  He gave me those five amazing children who never cease to astound me.  And he gave me twenty-two years of his life on earth filled with love and devotion, even in the face of adversity.

Do I miss him?  Absolutely!  Each and every day, some lesson he taught me resonates in my actions and he gives me strength.  I have felt his hand on my cheek when I was troubled, I have felt his presence in holy places, and I have witnessed his influence on his children's lives...even the youngest, who has a reverence for her dad sealed in the early memories of him in her life.

Today...I remember...and I look upon his Tapestry and marvel at the man God sent me even though it was only for a short moment.

Living Responsibly...

When I consider my life and the many, many detours I have taken on my journey, I have to ask myself if I have been living responsibly?  Have I studied the scriptures diligently to find answers to the many questions that have perplexed me through my life?  Have I followed the counsel of the First Presidency in conducting myself as the Lord would have me act?

My answer to these two questions is a resounding no, not always.  What is our responsibility to our God, to our parents, to our ancestors, to our leaders who pray for us daily?  Am I just an island, all by myself in this great universe?  Do I have to answer only to myself for my actions?  I have a desire to address these two questions, not only for myself, but for the readers who might visit here.

We all were sent here to this earth to fulfill a sacred mission.  It is my belief that each and every one of us came here number one, to obtain a body, and number two to work our way through cloudy examples to live as Heavenly Father would have us live...to learn the things He has revealed through various Prophets throughout the history of our world.  And to one day return to live with Him.  He did not leave us alone here to flounder.  He gave us messages...hints, if you will...that would guide us to the right path that leads back to Him.  It was through Him that our Scriptures were preserved so the whole world could have access to them.

He gave us parents, who were also on the path to return to our Heavenly Father.  They were the first teachers we would have and our responsibility to them would be to listen and learn.  Likewise, many generations came before us.  If we learn about them and their struggles, we should also have the responsibility to follow them.

Three significant things happened along the path that led us here.  The first, was in the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve (our first parents), using the agency given them from The Father, chose to disobey Father and partake of the "Forbidden Fruit."  The world calls this "The Fall of Adam" and places that sin on the heads of each and every one of us.  But, The Church of Jesus Christ does not see it that way.  In order for our Father in Heaven to complete His plan for us on this earth, we had to have a way to get here.  Had Adam and Eve not partaken of the forbidden fruit, we could not have come.

The second event of significance, in my mind (and in the minds of many of us) was the coming of our Savior in the meridian of time to rescue us from the consequences of "The Fall."  Because Adam and Eve disobeyed Father, they were cast out of the garden and would not dwell in His presence (the first death-spiritual death) and being mortal now, they must experience a physical death.  Jesus Christ rescued each of us from these consequences.  He died--he paid the ultimate price and willingly made the sacrifice--so that we might live...eternally.

The third thing that had to happen for us in these last days, was for the former Church of Jesus Christ (established by Him during His earthly ministry) to be restored to the earth.  It had been lost with the deaths of the Apostles (the heads of the Church in their time).  Joseph Smith was the prophesied Prophet who would bring about this restoration, and thus on April 6, 1830, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was officially organized.

I shall be eternally grateful for the blessings that have been delivered to me in my life for the responsible acts of many who have come before me.  From a very early age, I have known that "a large part" of the genealogy for my family would be done by me.  I am sorry to say that I have shirked that responsibility through the years.  But the Spirit of Elijah has prompted me to search my ancestors diligently...find their stories...and make sure that it is published into a book that can be passed down to many generations.  Three of my ancestors have already done a great deal of the work for me, but I find their works bulky and probably wouldn't be read by many of my great-grandchildren.  Like Nephi of old, I am a simple woman, with simple words and it is my desire to get these words down for generations to come.  If we don't write our own histories, who will?

Elder Allan F. Packer of the Seventy said this, "Each of us has some stories in our lives that are worth recording and worth remembering that are inspirational and can be motivational and helpful for future generations."  That is my challenge to myself...to be more responsible in these actions.

The theme of the past year's Women's General Conference was, "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." (Alma 36:6-7)  What a wonderful statement that is.  I just pray that my small, responsible contribution to the effort of bringing my own family history alive, will have everlasting and great consequences for all who follow me.