Sunset of My Life...

Consider the beauty of a sunset...
The whole sky changes colors from blue and white to grey to pink to salmon to red.  The eye beholds its magnificence!  There is no sound, so there is nothing to hear except the beating of your heart and the singing of the birds; you cannot touch it so there is nothing to feel  except joy; and you cannot smell it.  But your heart delights in its beauty and you snap a photo in your mind (or physically) for your memory.

Those who stay long enough will experience that last sliver of light as the sun slips beyond the horizon and out of sight.  And with its passing, it leaves a promise that it will return one day.  It says to us, "I will return on the morrow."

The year 2017 is coming to a close, and like the sunsets I have viewed, I pause and consider the beauty of the past year.  I have experienced pain and sorrow; I have experienced family delights; I have given up a portion of my independence; and I have grown a little older.

I have grown, I have fallen (literally), and I have mellowed with the experiences of this past year.  God gives us experience for just these purposes.  And he tests us and tries us to make sure we are ready for better things to come.  Like the iron ore that is put into the fire, shaped and bent and hardened, our lives are shaped and bent and strengthened.  God works His wonders through our lives.  We cannot see what He sees, and sometimes it is so very hard to realize that "this is for your own good!"  Only He knows the outcome.

I am experiencing the sunset of my life.  I'm sure there must be some beauty there, but some days it is hard just to get out of bed and get moving.  My hair has turned nearly white; my eyes are dim; my ears don't hear as sharply as they used to; and my bones and joints have an ache to them that sometimes slows me down.  Simple tasks, like getting in and out of a car, find me moving with such deliberation that patience must prevail.

One day, like the sunset and like another year's end, I will be facing the promise of tomorrow, but not yet.  The sun will return; a New Year will arise; and I shall return again with that same promise that "I will return on the morrow.

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I'm sure I will see quite a few more sunsets in my life and I will see a number of years begin and end before I face that last sliver of light fade from my life.  And so, for now, I will enjoy the many sunsets to come...whether or not they are on the ocean or the desert or the mountains...they are all so beautiful.

Forgive my rambling.  Just an old woman alone with her thoughts as 2017 comes to an end and I am wondering what 2018 will bring.

                                             HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL!
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My Cup Runneth Over...

The past several months have found me caught up in a flurry of activities...so much so, that I hardly have time to even think, let alone write!  It has been one of those quarters in the year where I hardly know where to begin!  You know how it is...you have a list so long that it overwhelms you and so you do nothing!  But there are so many important events that I cannot leave a single one of them out.,  So...here goes!

In July, my son, Billy and I started on a road trip--just the two of us.  His brother, Eliot was getting Married August 2nd and Billy was to be the Best Man.  I drove to Redmond, where I met Billy and the following morning we took off in my car.  (Don't ask why this particular arrangement...it's complicated!)  We drove all day that day and arrived in Orem, Utah (where we stayed overnight with his sister, Debi and her husband.)  We stayed in Orem an extra day, because we were early.  We had an awesome visit and Billy got to rest his eyes for the next leg of the trip.

The following morning, we said our good-bye's and headed south to catch Highway 6 through Spanish Fork Canyon and on to Denver, Colorado.  Another 10-hour drive!  I don't know how Billy does it.  We arrived in the early evening in Denver and went ti the Motel Eliot had arranged for us.  We were both exhausted!

Denver is a crazy town!  Traffic, traffic, traffic everywhere and Freeways that don't make a bit of sense.  (Much like Salt Lake City.)  It's interesting how those big cities start out with one main thoroughfare and then keep adding on until it looks like a spaghetti bowl!  I do not like driving in the cities.  The next day, Dean arrived via airplane.  We had a very nice family gathering.  Eliot drove all of us to the venue where the wedding was to be held and we took some pictures.  I like this one the very best!

                                                    Those boys are always goofing off!

There wasn't very much rehearsal involved, so we just walked around and got to know the park.

The wedding was the next day and we weren't allowed to take pictures of the ceremony.  Eliot and Tamiya had a photographer who took care of all of that.  (As of this writing, we have received no photographs!)  We did take one of Dean and I standing on a little bridge.

August 2, 2017                            Dean and I on the bridge.


The wedding was very nice--very simple, but nice! Dean and I were way too overdressed!  We dressed for a "wedding" and I guess folks don't take that as seriously as Dean and I do.  Just about everyone else were dressed in jeans and tee shirts!  Oh, well..it was the marriage we came to witness, not a fashion show!  (When I am able, I shall post photos of the wedding.)

With the wedding behing us, we all went our separate ways.  Eliot and Tamiya to their new life, Dean to the airport to fly back to Newport, and Billy and I to travel back to Utah.  Ugh!  Another 10 hour drive!

We took a different highway back--I-80--and stopped in another town, where Billy went to see Alicia and the girls who were visiting friends. Alicia got to meet her real dad and a sister for the very first time.  Billy and Alicia are going through some really difficult times lately and it was awkward.

On our way to Salt Lake City and Billy and I had some really long and deep conversations.  Getting to know my son has been quite a wonderful experience.  Somehow, all that talking made the miles just melt away.  There were no real long silent periods and though the trip took 10-11 hours, it seemed we were there in no time!

Debi met us at a KFC on Redwood Road.  I said goodbye to my son (I'll miss him) so he can continue on to Redmond (another 10 hours).  I don't know how he does it!  Debi and I ate some lunch--not the best KFC we've ever had--and continued on to Orem where I will be staying for most of the rest of the month os August.  I hope she can put up with me!

I love staying with Debi.  She and Brian give me my own space with a bedroom and a bathroom and I am always very comfortable.  They work every day, but that is OK with me.  Debi goes to the gym every morning, golfs a couple of days a week and still plays baseball!  That girl!

                                                     Brian and Debi's Cabin


On Friday, we went to Brian and Debi's cabin in Indianola,  It is a beautiful setting.  Brian and Debi have built an amazing log cabin on the property. The property has been in Brian's family for years.  Just last year, they built a second cabin, called "The Shed," and furnished it for guests.  That is where I go to stay.  I love the mountains...I felt so free and loved just walking around taking pictures; I even liked using the "facilities," (an outhouse that Brian built.)

                                                         "The Shed"

                                                          The Facilities!

On my walks, I often come across some interesting wildflowers,  I love to photograph flowers!

I had a lovely time at Debi's.  She is always the perfect hostess...and daughter.  There is so much more to tell, but this writing is getting too long, so I will do this in sections.  I will call this one Section One and continue the story later in Section Two.

Memories of England...

I don't know why,k but today my memories were flooded with thoughts of England and their beautiful gardens.  I was mesmerized by them.  The weather in England is much ,like the weather I have enjoyed here on the Oregon Coast for the past 12 years.  And it is on the coast of Oregon where we grow the most beautiful flowers.  Well, more on that later.  For mow I want to get back to my memories of England,

We traveled there in June of 2003, a year after my mom died and just months after my first eye surgery that left me basically with extreme vision problems.  My vision was not great to begin with, but after surgery my world was truly foggy.  My husband was worried that I wouldn't see anything...and in some cases he was right.  But, there is a lot of fog in England so it didn't really makje a huge amount of difference to me,.

We stayed with a Mason friend of Dean's on Chapel Lane in Urchfont in Devizis, England.  Their home was in the country where there are rolling hills, forests, remnants of ancient inhabitants... and gardens!  They called themselves the "woodpeckers" and had the cutest little woodpecker for a door knocker.  It was here that I fell in love with England.

The Pocock's were perfect English hosts.  They lived in an old cottage full of Antiques.  John was an Antique dealer and Jean was an incredible decoratot.  In the front entry of their home was the most unique desk I have ever seen.

"I'll bet you have never seen one of these before," John said to me.

 I could honestly answer that I had not.  "It is called a 'Davenport Desk!'"  I was astonished!  I had never heard of such a thing.  And then he proceeded to tell me the story of this amazing desk (much of which I have forgotten over the years).  As I recall, it was a sea Captain who wanted to make something very special for his wife, and so he designed this desk, full of little hidden nooks and cranny's to hide things...important things.  I loved that desk instantly, and not just because it bore my family name, but because it was the most charming desk I had ever seen.\\

John Also took us on a tour of the rest of his collection of antiques!  For instance, we would be dining on a 900 year old dining-room table for dinner!  Floored again!!

While Dean visited with John, Jean took me out to the back yard to walk in her garden!  Oh my, I cannot find the words to express the beauty of it all.  Lavender and Heather and Roses galore.  And all perfectly trimmed and "dead-headed" so there were no dead flowers anywhere.  I believe it must take a special skill or art to be able to accomplish such beauty.

After tea, we walked into the charming town and passed house after house of beautiful gardens.  On the corner there was a little plot set aside for more beautiful flowers and shrubbery.  Jean told me that a little widow lady who lived across the street devoted all of her time not only to her own garden, but to this little plot on the corner.  She was a crippled lady, who got around only with the aid of a wheelchair.  I wanted to cry!

How is it that a small little village in the middle of England can elicit such beauty?  It has to be inbred into their souls.  When Dean and I wer in Londonm we visited Kensington Palace and all of the beauty there.  We walked along well manacured walks to the lake in front of the Castle, where swans were lazily paddling their way through clear waters.  It was a beautiful scene.  We walked for what seemed like an eternity and came to another area of the property called Diana's Plasyground.  It was a park for children that Princess Doana had designed and oversaw the construction for the children who came to play there.  It was enchanting.

Across the street, we drifted into a little cafe with hundreds of pictures of Diana on every wall.  We learned from our waiter that it had been one of Diana's favorite "hang-outs" to get away from it all.  Everyone loved her and had nothing but kind things to say about her  She loved her children and she loved all children..  Hers was a tragic end and I felt sadness creep into an otherwise beautiful day.

We had an amazing time in England, but I think the beauty of its gardens  will forever live in my memory.  One day, I would love to return and stay longer in London.  But that will have to be perhaps for another lifetime.

Being Seventy-Eight...

Seventy-eight years!  Wow!  (Just pretend there are 78 candles on that cake!)

What is "78?"  It's a prety big number.  It's the number of years I have been privileged to live on this earth.  It is the number of candles on my Birthday cake.

I am so grateful for those 78 years!  I have been blessed with my greatest blessing... most of my memories intact.  All it takes is a word, a picture, a smell, a book, a smile, a face, a place, or anything familiar to call up to my memory the vivid pictures of the past.  I am grateful for that.

I recently received a telephone call from a friend I have known since I was 3-years-old!  We shared many memories during that call and a lot of laughter.  It was a wonderful day.  Another friend remarked on Facebook that we shared memories from our childhood of 70 years ago!  We remembered our years of dancing at Mahri's School of Dance in Santa Monica, CA and I smiled with those memories.

I live by the ocean on the coast of Oregon and the smell of the salt air mixed with fish takes me back to my childhood in Santa Monica (which is also by the ocean in California.)  I had so many happy memories back then.  Days spent on the beach tanning, swimming in the Pacific, walking the boardwalk or the Pier.  My favorite was riding on the Carousel on the Santa Monica Pier!

I recently attended a reunion of several friends from my Church in Santa Monica.  Some of them I did not recognize, but others came quickly to the forefront of my memory.  The faces have aged, but the eyes remain the same!  Reunions are amazing.

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And so, as I celebrate another year, create another memory, eat a few more bites of a wonderful Birthday cake and live to love another day, I share my gratitude with all whom I have contact with on this day.  Thank you for being a part of my life and helping me to build more memories.

Here's to another 22 years, when I reach 100 and, hopefully, my mind will still be as sharp as it is today!  We shall see!

An Unusual Sandscape...

My husband and I like to walk the beach on occasion and for the most part the sand is smooth, even and pretty easy to walk on.  Not so on one of our sunny days last week.  We drove to Agate Beach (a nice beach about 2 miles from our home) to enjoy a leisurely walk.  We had no idea what we were in for until we got there.

It was as though we just stepped off a spaceship onto the surface of the moon!  I had never seen so many dunes...hills and valleys...and really interesting patterns in the sand before.  There were little mounds perfectly sculpted by water and wind and blowing sand that from a distance looked like some of the sandstone formations I have seen in some of Southern Utah's canyons.  But these were not hardened over centuries of wear and tear from the elements; these were still just little mounds of soft sand that fell apart if you touched them.

Walking in the sand was a real work-out, too.  We tried to stay on top of the dunes, but occasionally we encountered a dead-end, requiring us to slide down the dune into the canyon (relatively damp and easier to walk on) and then up the other side of another one.  From the parking lot to the water's edge must have been about 2 blocks!  (Or, at least, it seemed like it!)  We were exhausted by the time we got to the water...and then we had to go back

 We shall never forget our outing to the beach on this particular day.  We are going to try and go back in a couple of weeks (when it stops raining) and see what has changed.  And change it will, because that is the nature or the beaches on the Oregon Coast...ever changing.





Exhausted!










Hills and Valleys!

Alien Markings?




Moonscape? or Sandscape?  It was awesome!

Sometimes A Phone Call Can Make You Smile...

It was just another ordinary September day on the Oregon Coast.  It was a cloudy, off and on rainy day...you know, the usual ones we get in September on the cioast.  I was busying myself with some crucial tasks, trying to organize our tiny space, when my cell phone rang.  I don't assign original rings to specific people, so I could not tell who it was just by the ring.  But the Caller ID gave it away!  It was my dearest childhood friend from Santa Monica, Joan Trent, and I am always delighted to hear from her.

We chatted about a number of things, including childhood memories, when she got down to the purpose of her call.  She had been going through some old Christmas letters that she kept in a notebook and ran across one from me.  It had been written in the year 1990.  It had madre her laugh and she wanted to share it with me.  Oh, she is so much like me--keeping verylittle thing that has some sentimental meaning to her.  She read it to me and we had a good laugh together.  Such a dear friend, that one!

I don't know how long we talked, but knowing phone calls from the past, it had to have been nearly an hour.  Seventy-five years as friends, and we still keep in touch.  I love that girl and am so grateful that she hasn't disappeared like so many others have.  Thank you, Joan, for turning an otherwise ordinary day on the Oregon Coast into a day filled with sunshine and smiles.

I Never Forgot,,,

September 11, 2001...the day the world stopped turning!  It was a pivotal point for the U.S.A. and the rest of the world.  It was a day that many...most... Americans lost their innocence.  It was the day we opened our eyes and began to see what was happening in the world and what was happening here at home.  It was the day the World Trade Towers came tumbling down, victims of a viscous attack by foreigners.  It was a day my life changed forever.

Today marks the 16th Anniversary of that horrendous day.  Sixteen years...and I'm still alive to see the aftermath!  Since that day we are at war with a whole nation of Islamists. Since that day, we have lost trust in our closest allies and Europe is falling apart.  Since that day, we are hated by those who used to love and trust us.  Since that day, even here in our own Country, we are pitted brother against brother, color against color, Political choices against Political Choices, Religion against Religion.  Our hearts have been hardened.  Our dreams have been dashed, our lives have been changed.

Even Nature is pumping up her calamities against a land that has turned sour.  This September, we have witnessed horrific million plus acre wildfires in the Northwest; we have felt and witnessed "earthquakes in diverse places;" we are witnessing the power of Category 5 Hurricanes as they blast the Southeast--even Houston, Texas and surrounding areas, and the entire state of Florida blowing apart and many areas are under water.

As I age, my senses are quickly fleeting and I don't know how many more 9/11 days I will be able to write about, but as I stated in my first Blog, all those years ago--I WILL NEVER FORGET!  Will yo?

Another Shoe Drops...

Just when you think life is going to fix itself, someone drops another shoe!  For some reason, God has it in His design to lay the testing on heavy.

We are adjusting to the recent events in the life of Dean, but this most recent thunder storm came out of nowhere and blind-sided us with a vengeance.  A couple of weeks ago, we got a phone call (several, really) from our son, Billy stating that his wife of only a year and a half wants a divorce and has given him a week to get his things out of the house!  Needless to say, we were shocked and our son is devastated.

That week came and went with no change in heart, and Billy moved his things into a storage unit, but he has no place to live!  We invited him to come to the coast for a few days and re-group and we will try to figure out what to do about this whole mess.

This whole thing has escalated so badly that Billy (and his parents) is a basket case.  He wants so badly to reason with his wife and try everything possible to save his marriage.  But you cannot reason with the unreasonable.  She has snapped and she is next to crazy.  She plays him like a roller-coaster!  One minute she is all "OK, we will try and work things out" and the next minute, "I want that divorce and I am going to rent out our house for some added income."  But her thoughts as to what she is going to do are scattered all over the place.

Apparently her finances are in a bad way with all of her crazy spending...and now Billy is not there to help her out.

Let me tell you a little about her history.  She was badly abused as a child and just to appease her parents when she was 18, she agreed to an arranged marriage to an older man who  took her to the middle east to live in his culture.  Two beautiful girls were the product of that marriage.  But her independent need to be a woman of the world got in the way of her marriage and she was brutally raped to try and bring his control over her. Ultimately, she was able to flee the marriage and make her way with her two little girls to America and her parents home again.  And then she met Billy.

As a result of all of this, she became afflicted with PTSD.  She had horrible night terrors, is delusional, and has a terrible opinion of both the men in her life and just men in general.  Billy knew of her history and thought he could help her work through all of this.  And for a time he did help.  But one day she just snapped...over what?  A discussion of her decision to purchase a "tiny house."  Billy expressed his thoughts on how this was not a good idea, and that is where she snapped.  In her mind, Billy was being controlling.

As of today, Billy is the one who is being abused in this relationship.  She cannot resolve her issues alone.  We have told her she needs to see a counselor or Psychiatrist to help her resolve these issues...perhaps get on some medications.  But, she has refuses.  Whe will not face her "demons!

Billy is a basket case an the phone calls are causing a great deal of anxiety in our home as well.  Prayer is ongoing and the whole thing is in the Lord's hands.  Perhaps He will give all of us answers.

This drama is not over, so I will return to update from time to time.  We love our son so much...and we thought we had a lot of love for Alicia and her girls...but I guess love is not enough here.

To be continued...

Something Oceanic Billy Mickelson | Billy Mickelson | TEDxBend

The Tao of Learning...

It has been 25 years since I graduated from Weber State University in Ogden, Utah with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing., and 37 years since acquiring my Associate RN.  Prior to that, I was an LVN for 3 years.  For my Mid-Term paper in my Senior Year in my class  called "Theory Evaluation: Critical Thinking Inventory, Nursing Leadership/Management,  I chose to write the paper and titled it "The Tao of Leadership."
In the ancient world of the Dali Lama, "Tao" means "the way."

"When the mantle of leadership is placed on my shoulders, I will lead...
from my center wtth my feet planted firmly on the ground.
I will lead as Christ led.
For He is my example.
I know who I am.
And I will help others find their own center and sense of worth."

With this introduction, I ventured off to explore just what I believed (and found to be true) the value and properties of leadership.
However, today, I wish to interpret this in another light...that of how leadership has influenced learning.
With the mantle of leadership now far removed from my shoulders, there is in its place a new mantle,...the mantle of learning.  But as I look back, I find that perhaps that was interwoven in the leadership mantle.
Leadership skills were hard to learn, but following in the footsteps of my Savior, I learned more of who I am...who I was becoming.
I had multiple opportunities to help others learn who they were and I watched their self worth shine forth.

"I will lead with simplicity and an awareness of the present.
My footsteps will fall softly ,
And I will keep a good spirit."

I learned that gentleness is the best spirit to have in all situations.  Harsh words and sounds of confusion, only make the spirit withdraw.
I learned that leadership relies on a good, a soft spirit.

"I will lead to fulfill the greatest paradox -
That of velvet and steel.
I will be asvelvet and as water...fluid and soft and yielding.
Consider water as it wears away rock over time with patience and perseverance.
And consider velvet that is always soft and soothing to the spirit.
So, too, the soft leader who over comes resistance, else she too may break."

I learned this principle ever so slowly...like the wearing away of rock by water.
But once learned, a gentle voice or reply or request repeated over and over again can wear away the resistance of a worker or student who only wants to do it their way.  Persistence, gently, as water, wears away resistance.  Many strong relations were formed over the years and respect followed.

"I will lead in my most helpful manner...unbiased and down-to-earth.
My goals for those whom I lead will not be unrealistic,
But challenging enough to encourage growth."

I learned many things in leadership roles.  Whenever I am helpful, both the learner and the teacher learn.
No-one wants to be forced or told that your way is the only way to do a task.
Helping the learner to find their own path and challenging them along the way can be a reward for both.

"I will lead with traditional wisdom.
I will take some lessons from my Ancestors, The Ancient Ones,
who were wise in many ways, and treasure the common and natural beauty of their ways.
I will serve those I lead and give them quiet reflection."

The traditional wisdom of the Ancient Ones and of my own ancestors have given me a view of the world as a sphere to be respected.  And it has given me the perspective to lead those I am called to lead by serving them.  Service is the primary goal of a Nursing Career and I have viewed my "job" as a "service"--not only to those under my care, but also under my tutelage.  It has been my pleasure to serve in this capacity for over 35 years.
For me, this was not a Career choice, but a Service choice.

"I will lead by being myself.
I will respect my subordinates and offer then a clear sense of being.
My leadership will be one of substance;
My subordinates will know where they stand with me."

I learned that knowing who you are and letting others also know, through honest relationships is a self-fulfilling process of growth.  Of all the principles I learned through leadership roles, I believe knowing and believing in myself was the most fulfilling.

"I will lead and be a creative force in the face of conflict.
I will meet each challenge with the realization that in every conflict there are two sides, and both have merit.
My ears will hear both sides and I will not play the 'win-lose'
 game."

This concept was the hardest for me to learn.  I have never been a fan of conflict and whenever it would look like a conversation was heading in that direction, that is when I would quit.  Like stepping off a cliff and trusting that someone would catch you, I found myself stepping into many a conflict in my leadership roles and found I was along to direct it.
The Aspen tree and the mighty Pine exist in the same forest...they have learned to respect each others' space and needs and co-exist in beauty.
Learning the art of listening and directing both sides of a conflict into some sort of win-win situation became the challenge of m life.
In reality, no one needs to lose an argument...just respect their thinking os both sides.

"I will lead with honesty and simplicity.
I will remember the attributes of water.
It cleanses, refreshes, and is found deep beneath the surface.
It follows natural laws and is never found complaining.
I will strive to serve those I lead."

All of the truly honest people I have known in my life share one thing in common--their simplicity of thought.  It would never enter their minds to make them be untrue to themselves, to others or to their standards.
Like water, they are clean, refreshing and their real depth is in their honesty.
When leading others, it was imperative that I be as clear and honest in all of my actions and interactions as I would expect them to be with me.
A complainer is not an honest person--it's that simple.  An honest person would "follow natural laws" and "go with the flow!"  When you buck the system, you fall back into that "win-lose" situation.  Vicious circles get us nowhere.

"I will lead without greed.
I will stand as a lighthouse, unselfishly guiding those who face danger, safe passage past my shores.
I must keep my beacon bright, and be trusted to be there when needed."

In all of my life, I have found this a very important principle.  This is true not only in leadership roles but in every walk of life.  Be a beacon light for others so they will know where safety is and that there is protection from rocky shores.  Just as I follow the light of my Savior, I hope others will see a light in me that they can follow.  My example is paramount to success in any leadership position.

"I will lead my subordinates toward their goals and our path will go beyond technical skills.
I will work with those whom I lead to facilitate their success."

From the beginning of a leadership relationship, I found setting goals of paramount importance  and they must be re-visited often.  Like climbing a mountain, if your goal is to reach the top or summit, there are breaking points along the way to catch your breath, perhaps plan a new path, or re-visit your goal.   If it was too lofty, then perhaps you need to lower your expectation.
I learned throughout my life and through leadership roles that goal setting is both rewarding when accomplished and refreshing as you look beyond the point of completion and never give up...never stop trying.
Helping others to reach their goals is a goal in itself for the leader.

"May I wear the mantle of leadership with pride, honesty, simplicity, gentleness and strength.
May I be a guide to those I lead, ever facilitating the path that leads to their growth."

In all of my learning, this is the best lesson of all. and sums up the entire path I have traveled  It was a prayer for my future all those many years ago, and it is my hope that I have learned these things along the way.
I had many opportunities to lead in my career as a nurse and in my first choice career as a mom.  Of all of my leadership roles in my life, it is that of mother that I found the most challenging; it gives me great joy in the accomplishments of my children; I found honesty is always the "best policy;" I tried to keep our lives uncluttered with "too much" and taught my children to love the simple things like the first flowers of spring, or the smell of the first rain in summer, an amazing sunrise or sunset,  the smell of a rose in summer, and the smiles on their faces when you tell them how much you love them.

There is much to learn in life and I am so grateful for the bounties that I have been given as a result.  I am grateful for the leadership roles I have been given throughout my life, (as promised in my Patriarchal Blessing). It is through these experiences that I have grown to be the woman (and retired nurse) I am today.

Healing And Forgiveness...

My husband and I recently visited the Healing Garden at Samaritan General Hospital in Corvallis where he was having his shoulder repaired.  It is a beautiful garden, designed to bring peace, calm and healing.  In the center of the garden is a fountain/pool that is shaped like an open eye (my interpretation).  Lining the bottom of the pool are hundreds, maybe thousands, of pebbles/stones that are constantly being washed by the water flowing into the pool, over the stones, and out again.

I closed my eyes and imagines that each one of those stones represented someones pain, hurting, anxiety or dis-ease (a term that one of my professors in Nursing School gave us).  The water continually washing over the stones represented the love of our Savior and His cleansing, healing love that gives us peace.

Like a single pebble among all the pebbles in the pool, I am "one," I am "unique," and I am troubled.  My eyes have difficulty focusing on only one, but sometimes a new experience opens up an old wound and my mind gets stuck in a monotonous groove of playing the same track on a scratched record over and over and over again in my head...focusing on only that one thing... hurt.   And I ask myself, where is forgiveness?

Let's focus on the hurt, whether it be hurt feelings, an open wound, a surgery or a feeling you have for someone you love.  Sometimes, like the pebbles on the beach or in the pool, the individual hurts in our lives pile up and it is impossible to sift out the one that has to be dealt with most.  This is true especially if one has not dealt sufficiently with forgiveness.  It is hard to focus on just that one!  And when that same hurt repeats itself again over the years, the wound fills up with even more pebbles.

I tell myself, as the Gospel teaches us, that it is more important for me to forgive those who have caused me pain and move on.  But when that pain is repeated again and wounds my child, then my heart breaks open and I feel their pain and forgiveness is once again hard to find.

So, I close my eyes and listen and feel as the cleansing water of our Savior's love washes over me and I know I (we) must forgive in order for the hurt to heal once again.  If you look carefully near the center of the picture above, you will see, like I did, a red stone shaped like a heart.  Our Savior's love has given that one stone a new chance to shine and share the healing love with others.  That one stone has experienced the healing process of forgiveness.

I pray that everyone who is suffering right now will look inside your heart, identify the pain you are feeling, then let the healing waters of love and forgiveness wash over you and put you at peace.

There is one who has suffered far more than you or I ever will.  He was beaten, spat upon, flogged with stripes and nailed to a cross.  He took upon himself all of the sins, pains, sorrows and suffering of the world and gave up His life for me...for you...for all of mankind...and yet He could say, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."  "Such love hath no man... than he give up his life for a friend."

Smelling Tulips, Loving Sunshine, Opening Old Wounds...

I married an amazing man!  He does so much for me and even though I am not his mother...he gave me Tulips!  My daughter, Heather sent me Tulips! (And Sherry's Berries!)  They both know how much I love them.  They don't always last as long as I would like, but "during their lifetime, I can love them and cherish the sentiment."

It has been a Mother's Day with mixed blessings, hurts, and memories.

BLESSINGS:  Besides Heather's thoughtful gift and my husband's flowers, I was blessed with an adorable homemade card from JerriAnne, some yummy lip balm and a beautiful card from Kim, loving sentiments on Facebook from Mark, Debi and all!  And I got a call from my son, Billy.  (I'm sure as the day goes on, others will call.)  It is reminders such as these that bless my life and make me cherish the day I first became a mother and all the other days as well.  I love Motherhood...and today I am reminded in spiritual ways that it is truly a Partnership with God!

SUNSHINE:  After nearly a week of rain, we were blessed with sunshine today.  Sunshine always makes me my happiest.  On the Coast of Oregon, we spend a great deal of our lives in shadow...rain and gloom...but when the sun comes out, it is a day for celebration.

OLD WOUNDS:  Unfortunately, into each life there comes something or someone who will try their best to destroy all that light that lives inside of you!  I had a couple of incidents that tried to do just that this very day.

First thing this morning, I got a voicemail from a dear friend who I befriended in High School.  We have kept in touch for all of these many years.  We have shared each others heartaches, blessings, happiness and sorrows.  This morning's news was one of those heartaches for her.  A little over a year ago, she entered into a marriage that I tried to warn her would not bring her a lot of happiness...in fact, it was destined for a multiplication of trials!  This morning she informed me that she had been deserted, left without her car, her money, and most of all her dignity!  How do I help this friend?  This is the question that plagues my mind and my heart.

Next, I got a call from my son who is at the peak of his career, was invited to be a performer on TedxBend (a real privilege in the "communication," "art," "music" world).  In the audience, by chance, there was one of his old High School Teachers (and I use the word "Teacher" loosely).  She gave my son a really terrible, unfair time in her class, and she had the gall (15 years later) to lean over to the man sitting next to her and tell him she knew my son in High School and he was a "troubled" boy and a "cheater."  After the show, the man came up to Billy to purchase one of his CD's and told him what the "teacher" had told him.  That old would was opened wide and my son had to go through that hurt all over again.  My son was never a troubled boy and he was not a cheater.  He is as honest as can be!  It hurts me, too, because it is a reflection on his father and I.

At this writing, I am trying not to let the bad things get in the way of the good.  Ugly things happen, and we shall deal with them on another day..,.but for today, I want to focus on the teachings of the greatest Teacher that ever lived, Jesus Christ.  His teachings are what light up my countenance.  His Gospel is what gives me purpose!  His example is what drives me to be a better person each and every day.  In the end, I am striving to be more Christlike and I know He leads the way.

Growing Old; Growing Tired; Growing...

I cannot remember a time filled with more stress and strife than the past two months has thrown our way.  Nothing can compare with it.  Our stressful move is behind us, but the space we now live in is not sufficient for all of our belongings.  Much of what we own or have owned has either been given away, sold, donated or taken to the dump.

It makes one wonder why we hold on to so many things in the first place.  We think we need them, if mot now, then in some future (non-existent) time, but in the end, did we really?  The one major possession we parted with was our beautiful baby grand piano.  It was a heartache to watch them pack it up and wheel it out the door and onto the truck that would take it to its new home.  That piano was a birthday gift to me 14 years ago when we lived in Crooked River Ranch.  I loved that piano.  But, truth be known, my husband loved it more and it was truly his piano.  I saw the pain in his eyes as he sat down on the bench to play it for the very last time.

The second item I had to "let go" of was the dining-room table and chairs that I bought seven years ago when we lived on Jetty Avenue in Lincoln City.  I loved that table.  We donated it to the Deseret Industries when their pod was parked in our Church parking lot.  Quite convenient, I would say.

The third item was my beloved corner hutch that Dean bought me when we lived in Brooking.  I had it for 10 or 11 years.   Our sweet next-door neighbor bought it and it has a lovely place in her home.  She beamed when she showed me all of her treasures that she had displayed inside.

Last, was my Queen-size bed that I bought in St. George when I was single.  You can't sell or give away beds in this area, so we loaded it up on a truck and a friend drove it to the dump.  Part of me disappeared during this move, and now I am left with memories.

My office is filled with notebooks that I have filled with my attempts at writing; a box in storage is filled with my journals that have covered a span of 55 plus years of my life.  I started keeping a journal when I was in my 20's in Salt Lake City.  I keep telling myself that I will take upon myself the monumental task of abridging them one day, just as Mormon did when he abridged the records of the Nephite's which spanned a period of over 1000 years.  I thin my task is not quite as daunting.

I dislike the idea of leaving that task to my children, but, alas, I am growing old and I am growing tired.  If the Lord is testing me in the hope that I still have some "growing" to do, I hope I am able to complete it and that the test will be a short one.

Forgive my rambling, I just have much on my mind and I can't seem to come up with a plan to get over this mountain of "stuff".  I just can't bring myself to get rid of it.  It's funny...the decision to get rid of the big stuff was far easier...the little stuff is by far the hardest.  Perhaps one day, I will box up all the lovely gifts each of my children have given me over the years and save them for the time when they might want them back...to remember me by.

It's interesting how we save parts of past generations.  I have my great-great grandfather's life history, but nothing more; I had some of my grandmother's things, but have distributed them to some of the kids; and I have some of my mother's things that I doubt any of the kids will be interested in.  Most of what I have accumulated has no real value to anyone but me.  Life in this 21st Century has changed a lot of our values,.

I guess the bottom line is that I treasure my family and my faith in my Savior far above material possessions and those values have been passed on.

Thank you for persevering and reading this mixed up writing.  I will be glad when the things that clutter the floor in my office will find a home and I can get down to some serious writing.

                                                   Welcome home!