Anatomy of a Head Bleed...Part Three...In Retrospect...

 

Time has a way of moving forward and prayers have a way of being answered.  Slowly, but surely, I came closer and closer to the person I was before all this occurred.  I began to feel gratitude in my heart that I hadn't felt before.

After my release from the hospital, I asked my daughters and my husband to write their feelings about this experience.  They were first hand observers of their mother's (and wife's) most recent trial.  No amount of preparation could have prepared me for what each one of them shared with me.  Their words and feelings were heart wrenching and enlightening.

Kim shared her thoughts:  "...Mom was in so much pain...she didn't look so good.  My first reaction was, 'Oh, I can't stand to see my mother in so much pain, what can be done?'"

Debi also stated her concerns, "You were in a lot of pain and weren't talking a whole lot...you wanted to be left alone."

JerriAnne said, "When I looked into her eyes laying in that hospital bed and saw great pain and confusion, this made my heart hurt deeply.  I wanted to take all that pain and confusion away for her."

My youngest daughter, Heather, has a very difficult time processing her feelings.  She is the most like me in that regard.  She has not yet sent me her list of feelings.  But her silence speaks volumes to me.  I know in my heart that she was touched deeply by this experience but just can't bring herself to talk about it. 

I can relate so completely to the feelings of my daughters.  I, too, experienced those feelings ten years ago, as I watched my own mother suffering excruciating pain every day for three months before she died.  My heart broke every single day, and I spent hours on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to take this pain away from my mother.  I could not bear to watch her in so much pain.

My husband's words touched me the most.  He wrote, "We were more than concerned--we were stoically squelching our fears to appear 'strong' but, inside, worry, fear and prayer were all bubbling up in a confused or rampant admixture of...'HOPE?'"

Physical pain is subjective in nature and can only be felt to whatever degree by the person who is suffering with it.  However, there is another kind of pain--the compassionate objective kind that is experienced by watching a loved one in agony.

To say that what I was going through was a unique experience, never known by another human being, would be a lie.  There are many people in this country and, yes, even in the world, who have faced the same anguish and fear that I was feeling.

Prayers

I'm very grateful for trained and experienced surgeons who can work miracles, but I know the greatest healer of all is my Savior.  It was through faith and prayers that my life was spared.  At the very beginning, my thoughts matched those of my husband, and we asked for the Elders of my Church to come and give me a Priesthood blessing prior to my ambulance ride to Portland.  The blessing I recieved was powerful and promised me that I would come through this crisis in my life with no impairments.  I held on to those words as I went forward.

Again, with my daughters surrounding my bed in Portland and my husband also present, the Elders of the Church were saught out and gathered to give me another Priesthood blessing.  I do not remember that blessing.  I do not even remember them coming into my room.  But the peace that surrounded my troubled spirit gave me hope for a positive outcome.

Personal prayers were also offered on my behalf.  Kim shared her experience with prayer: "When I went to bed that night [Monday] I prayed that they would be able to move up the surgery and that they could relieve the pain in my mother's head.  My prayers were answered, as the next day they said they were taking her into surgery that day."  She also commented on the family prayer she offered before I went to surgery.  "That was a very humbling experience, too.  I could feel the Spirit comforting all of us as we gathered around mom's bed and I said a prayer of thankfulness and asked for [a] blessing to be upon mom and all of us and our families."

I have four of the most amazing daughters living on this planet, but I also have a loving husband.  When I read his thoughts on my experiences, I cried because I could not imagine what he was going through.  During my surgery, he went to the hospital quiet room and took time on his knees to pray diligently for me.  He told me later, there was a little book in the room placed there expressly for the purpose of people with concerns to write their feelings and prayers.  He wrote in that little book, "Praise God for His blessings; blessed by His Son, the Grand Healer who, through Him, creates miracles for ALL of us, every day."

Kim left her thoughts in that book, also:  "So grateful today for all of the blessings we have received.  Thank you, Lord for answering our prayers and sending this comfort."  And Debi added: "'...THY WILL BE DONE...' Thank you Heavenly Father!"

I love my family.  I love them for their faith.  I love them that they are close to the Lord and that they know how to listen to the Spirit.  Their prayers, and the many prayers said in my behalf by dozens of friends and family and those who pray for the sick and afflicted in the Temple, reached the ears of the Lord and He answered them!  I am so grateful!

I was released from the hospital three days after my surgery.  I faced a long, upward climb back to where I was before.  Mentally, I had to re-train my brain to do even the simplest tasks like getting a spoon to my mouth.  It was also difficult to get the task I was thinking in my head to travel the correct pathway to my arms and hands and respond with the current action.  In the beginning, I couldn't type correctly on the computer keyboard; I couldn't write a sentence with a pen; and I couldn't put my hands together to play familiar music on my piano.  These were all devastating to me.  But I was determined to move forward.

Physically, I had issues with balance and gait when walking.  I kept running into things.  The use of a walker was a Godsend, but still I would push it into a wall.  Two months of Physical Therapy brought strength, balance, and coordination back to my body.

I lost all of my hair because they had to shave my head before surgery, but even that is coming back.  I look at pictures of my former self and then I look in the mirror and laugh.  Yes, that former me had long hair that I loved to wear in all kinds of styles, but this new me (my husband calles me "M") with barely an inch of hair on my head, looks at life with gratitude.

As time has moved forward, and my prayers have slowly brought me closer and closer to the person I was before all of this occurred, I have begun to feel that gratitude that sustains me.  It has been heightened by this entire experience.  Coming so close to lifting my hand and knocking on the Gates of Heaven has made me realize how fragile life is.  I'm eternally grateful that mine was spared.  I haven't figured out yet for what purpose, but I'm sure even that will be made known to me on some future day.